After all of the Turkey Day food I slept and dreamt about food! Must have been my thanksgivng jambalaya....my rocking spicey tradition: marinated and grilled chicken breast, andouille sausage, red bell peppers, creole seasonings and shrimp dad caught. Yum. A little spice can go a long way and do the same as eating chocolate before bed....strange dreams! But I have always had those. Had a small bit of the jambalaya left over since only about 60 people attended today....so I had more to eat later this evening. Sinful!! So I guess Doc's meds and the spicy food made me dream.....of more food. Guess my body needs a bit more than what I have been doling out to it. Nah! Well, the dream was a little deeper than just food:
I was at Tony's, alone, and my steak sandwich had just been sat in front of me....along with the traditional drink of jameson, diet coke and twisted lime. I took a drink and looked at the enormous, sloppy, grilled, lucious sandwich and....started to cry. All day I had forgotten and here in my dream I remembered. Dreams are odd like that. Tony's + Whiskey = Time with Gary. It has been 13 years exactly since he left us unexpectedly and he was so young. I use to dream of him often....I don't anymore. He is probably pissed that I left his son, like I promised him I would never do, even at his worst....that I would be there to help him through his 'rough bits'. In my dream I sat there waiting for that Jack Nicholson look a like to enter and kick back with me over our favourite drink and eats together. He didn't....
Let me interrupt my dream accounting. A little history: When I was in college, my dad had a severe attack of midlife crisis and left my mom....my little sister was still living with her. He left her for another woman, moved to run another GM op, took my college savings and left it up to me to tell my mom that he was divorcing her. Talk about kick to the gut - Dad and I had always been best buddies and we were the "Beaver Cleaver Family". I had just moved in with Paul and even though he wasn't the most caring of creatures himself, his dad made up for it beyond belief. He treated me like his own kid and even helped me get through college. We would spend so much time out in the bay or on Huron floating in the boats, fishing and sunbathing the summers away. He was never too keen on his son's treatment of me...and he was furious when Paul gave up his college education for the railroad. He would make a lot more $$$ than being a lab rat or professor....but as his dad put it: rough men and a rough life makes for f****ed up relationships. I tried to tell Gary that he wouldn't listen to me either and even if I begged the rest of my life...Paul cared more of money and how much he could gain ($$$$) than using his incredible talents and gifted mind. He made me promise that I would help Paul and love him. I promised. Gary died a month later, in the woods, hunting during thanksgiving in his late 40's. It was hard to keep my promise...but Gary had done so much for me. With Paul living in Pittsburgh, then Philidelphia, and then on the rail so much to Elkhart/Chicago/Toledo/Detroit...it was easy...until he came home. He hurt me...not only with his hands, but my heart as well. But I had made a promise to Gary - right? I made the decision to stay and help his son through his increasing depression. But it didn't get better....
So the dream....Crying over steak sandwiches and jameson. Someone comes through the door. Not Gary and he sits in a booth behind me. At least there is one other person in Tony's now. Until a lady comes in and asks to joins me. She looks a bit like she could be my older sis and has a sweet, caring smile. Sure. She orders a gin drink. Yuck! Can't stand drinking pine needles. We start talking about liking the place and the really bad food - not good for the wasteline. She says, So I hear you have a daughter. I say, Yes and the "Kid" conversation ensues. We swap pics of the kids and talk about the silly things our girls do and how being a mom is an underestimated role. The "X" factor comes up and I split my sandwich with her and we order another drink and start comparing stories. The whole conversation...the bitterness and the understanding as well. When they were gone...it was somewhat easy. It was difficult being alone - - yes. But we discussed that we were in control of the households and being mom was top priority and we wouldn't trade a day of being a mom for nothing.
....When he was back...that is when - damn. And then when he would come back to just up and leave to do his shit....to play and leave me there...when we use to play together....damn. And when he would walk through the door....I would realize that even though - I missed him....I missed a companion....I missed affection...I was lacking a partner....And then: He would act like he was a god and should be worshipped because he has been venturing to make a living. (Forgetting that I had a career as well as most of the time played both roles of parenting, cooked, cleaned, gardened, rapaired the house, took care finances/bills/the books...) He would get so mad that I had a child to also care for and that I could not dote on him 100%. And he would practically declare that he should win the father of the year award - - - - because he doled out a hug to his child - - - maybe once while he showed his face at home once a month. Well, my dream friend and I got too frustrated swapping stories of ex's and proclaimed it to be "girl talk time - Woo Hoo". (That is so not me to do...freaking wierd dreams!) Then - go figure I can't handle a few drinks without being silly when I am awake - I can't even in my dreams!!!! We start comparing breast sizes. The guy in the booth behind us starts laughing and says he was waiting for something more interesting like this to happen since he got there - Our last conversation was annoying him. LOL! She is a little more curvy than me all over but beautifully firm for being a bit older. I have to ask how she stays so firm even so and her skin so radiant. She proclaims it is motherswort. She said that her mom always used it and it grew all over her family property near the woods. Wow! No shit! And here I just kept it growing around the gardens to use for menstral cramps. I tell her that when I wake up I am heading back to the Portland house to go pick some....That is when I realize that I am dreaming and I wake up.
I look at the alarm clock...2:00am. I think about the dream...that is when it hits about Gary. Hadn't thought about him all thanksgiving. Well, Gary...I am thinking about you now. You were an awesome 2nd dad...thanks for everything that you did for me. Maybe you understand and you are up there in heaven....and you ordered me that "dreamy" sloppy Tony and the jameson/diet coke - like the old days. Had a good laugh that I still can't handle a few drinks - - even in my dreams.
hindsight....a few days later: Yep, I think Garybear is still in Heaven looking out for me. He always said I was a princess and deserved the best...
Kind of strange....My ex-mother-in-law is on talking terms with me again after this dream and even helped me when I was in a tight spot with a sick kid and need to travel for my career loomed. Yes...Her favorite drink is one of those dreaded pine needle drinks and Yes we had way too much in common in the ex field - - - Go figure.
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