Animal Bait

Here is just an oldie but a goodie. Sending this story on to one of my friends that hasn't heard this one yet and just had to post it out here for the heck of it.

It was late in the month of August. I was traveling with my ex through the Black Hills of South Dakota on a western adventure for my birthday. We had decided, despite the cold front coming in, that we would continue to hike it here and there, only driving when needed to find camps as we were headed far north towards Montana. Being nomads on the first leg of the journey, we pitched camp where we found peaceful spots.

One late evening we had found ourselves exhausted from hiking around Sylvan Lake and the Needles, but we had not made definite plans on a camp. We made our way back to our vehicle and combed the hills for a peaceful, quick to find camp site this time. We came across a tiny national camping area on a lake just miles from where we had been roaming that day. Not a person was there and it looked like we had the small, but entire camping area for ourselves on the lake.

Quickly we pitched the old canvas tent as the temp dropped. It was close to midnight and we made a fire just for some warmth. The boy (a.k.a. the ex) was too famished to ignore his hunger and too cold to ignore the bottle of whiskey that we had in a backpack. I, on the other hand was just cold...actually freezing as the temp fell to the mid-thirties and kept dropping. I layered on the clothes and doubled up in the below-0 sleeping bags. The boy was munching on chips and salsa while pounding down the whiskey all the while.

Before I drifted off to sleep I reminded him to either tie up his munchies in the tree or seal them and take them back to the vehicle. This was bear country.

I slept and began to dream about the morning dip I was to take in the cold lake. No need for a cup of coffee when a polar bear swim awaits in the morning. Right?

I was rudely awakened though by screams and "Oh god!! Her brains!! You ate her head!!"

I heard the zipper on the tent being opened furiously and the boy stumbling out of the tent...still screaming...then running around the tent.

What in the world was going on????

Then the screaming stopped. The running - stumbling stopped. That is when the boy yelled, "You did that? What the [bleep]??"

As quick as possible, I removed myself from the sleeping bag and bolted out the now open tent flap. Rushing around the other side of the tent I saw the boy standing with his hands on his hips and looking in the direction of the BIGGEST, FATTEST raccoon I have ever laid eyes on.

Quietly I asked, "What in the [bleep] are you doing?"

The boy turned around with his mouth wide open and a look of amazement on his moonlit face.

"You're alive! He didn't eat your brains!" That is when I smelled the whiskey on his breathe...from about four feet away.

"Yes, I am alive and no raccoon ate my brains. You drank the whole bottle, right?"

The boy began to tell me that he had drank all the whiskey and then passed out. He did not remove the food from the tent and had left it NEXT TO MY HEAD. He said that he had been awoke by this loud crunching noise. When he looked in the direction of the noise he saw a giant moonlit silhouette on the side of the tent next to where my head should be and what was on the other side was chewing its way inside...He could not see my head and when he tried to wake me, I wouldn't move. Still drunk, he assumed that the giant silhouette was a grizzly and that it had ate my brains. Seeing that I was a lost cause he thought he would chase down the grizzly, drunk as he was, and take out his revenge.

hmmmm....

Laugh at his drunk ass...be furious that he left the food by my head...or just shake my still existing head in wonder...


I did all three...Then I made him clean up the mess and sleep next to the hole in the tent.
Being one who could not be denied sleep back then, I fell back to sleep with ease. I awoke bright and early in the morning to find frost and bits of snow on the ground. Happy to still have my head, I decided to go freeze it off. I stripped off every inch of my clothes and enjoyed my eye opening polar bear swim.



Hey, enjoy life while you can...you never know when a crazy drunk will try to feed your brains to the bears.