Early Snowy AM

I don't know what I did in my past life...or even this one, for that matter...but must have been pretty heartless. Why? Because the karma I keep getting slapped with is...less than....um....at a loss for words. Must have been the lack of sleep last night. (Yep, another headache...No, ditched the painkillers so I can start a preventative next week - plus those others made me WAY too sleepy and left me feeling all non-functional and cloudy - And they freaked me out. I don't like anything stronger than a midol once a month for pain, and these were the ones that killed off my favorite actress - Yuck! Plus I am upping my magnesium and protein and iron...ditching ALL artificial sweetners. Can't do cloudy...I end up putting my foot in my mouth when I do that....karma) Ok - At least I have my health, a roof over my head, custody of my daughter, a good career....but as Marilyn said: A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night.

And there are too many cold nights around the holidays that I have not been able to stand for years now....Because I can't curl up with my career on a cold night and I never even had my husband to curl up in front of the fireplace on Christmas night...either gone or asleep on the couch (with no plans of cuddling even if I tried...Hell - he had a problem with even holding my hand!!). Can't be that I throw off the scrooge feeling - - - Being a scrooge isn't me in the slightest - So it can't be paybacks for that. I decorate galore...Even did up the office and laid out a spread of treats for all to join in and enjoy the decorating - On my own time...cuz I love my co-workers/friends...I make it a festive occasion for my daughter and family...Always up for the holiday entertaining - never catered and always home cooked by me - for those I love - but always doing it on my own - even when I was married. I have seen in shows, seen my parents, seen my grandparents, seen my friends and family...The loving couples kissing, holding hands, helping each other prepare the feast for friends, decorating the tree together, wrapping presents together, stealing kisses under the mistletoe....And I have always been so very jealous because I have never had that...even with him. Maybe I was the original Scrooge in my past life...karma?

Whining? Yep. Why? Because I can...this is my blog and I can whine if I want to....In fact, I don't think I whine or stomp my foot enough. Maybe I should watch and learn the next time my 7 year old tries it.

Really...I woke up alone this am...as I do almost every morning when my daughter hasn't had a nightmare about her stuffed animals attacking. I didn't even have that now that she is off visiting her father. I looked out at the snow and...cried. Not something I do often or in front of others....Well except when I watched the Notebook...and Ghost....and PS I love you - - Girlie movies get me - OK. Well, I cried and cried and cried...until I felt empty....which I was already close to being on empty - - - so it wasn't very long.

I think it is time to run the tread or paint....can't decide. Guess I will fill out some Christmas cards and then decide....