Just Slide

Too slippery to run....Too icy to sled....Most of the good snow has melted and has left muddy ice on the trails - no cross country today....In fact all trails and such have been filled with sheets of ice all weekend. (Found that out when I slipped at Ben's woodland-getaway Saturday and almost went down....He tried to warn me, but I didn't listen....What is new? I said that I am a skater and I ski = use to being on ice....Oooops! Bite my tongue! I am also the world's biggest klutz!) So what shall my daughter and I do this holiday? Swimming is a must....and some sauna meditation. Ah!! That worked wonders! Haven't done that in weeks....Just the thought has made me think "Brrrrrrr!" A little hike on the local trails went well, too. The idea of sweating my ass off at the gym has been more pleasing lately....Actually the idea of sweating and working out in another way is an absolutely delightful thought....but.....Oh well! I said I would join a convent sooner or later in my life......


Really....

I grew up in a very religious family....Not strict bible beaters or a bunch of up-tights or "you are going to burn in hell if you do THAT" types....but very religious, God-loving people, spiritual people ....So the thought of sending me off to a convent was a reality - in my youth - - by my Dad! LOL!


Total midwestern girl here.... who was east coast for a moment or maybe three.

I was born into an upper-middle class home. My Dad was management for a large automotive industry at the main plant in the state. He was an active member of the church (still is where ever he resides) and community events. He would drop everything to help a friend or family member in need...No, not just that alone....He taught me to reach out to all humans in need - in need of material or love. "What you may have just a little bit more of is a gift from God to be shared with those who have just a little bit less, Jen. Always be willing to give and God will give to you." Ever so true, Dad. When I was very young my mother had the luxury to become a stay-home-mother after years of being an emergency room nurse. I say luxury, because it was what she loved being - a mother. All mothers do not get this option. She attended to her daughters' every school and extra curricular activities, as well as played substitute teacher, coordinated and attended school and church activities. All of this and more....plus opted to clean her home herself and have dinner on the table for the family (and any welcomed company) by 6:00 pm EVERY weekday. My mother was a goddess.

The rest of my family as I have said was religious and spiritual. Grandpa Jim and his friends built a local church. My mother's family and many of my father's relatives all attended. This wasn't a little country church. This was in the capital city. My family is large and loving. We still find every reason to gather. We may have come from a "church" background, but each of us were taught by Grandpa Jim to also have fun....baseball, parties, food, cooking, fishing, a cigarette now and then and "milwalkee's beast" were all necessary in life for gramps, too. Each Grandparent taught me wonderful things about life....I was lucky to not only know my grandparents but my great-grandparents as well. There is nothing like the wisdom of our elders....I miss that now. Mostly from the two I was most closest to through my life: My Dad's parents. To them everything had a purpose and meaning in life. They taught me to live, love, and be me....Grandma Joyce had some strange notions and believed in fate, true love, reincarnation, a little majic ju-ju here and there, foretelling the future, natural cures, homeopathic ways, and was full of flare and she was also an artistic soul. Grandpa always had faith in me...no matter what....he said I was the type of woman who could lead a nation and he would be one to follow. He always called me Sweetie Tweetie....said I was too sweet for this world. Both Dad and him taught me all I could ever need to know about nature, fishing....who needed girl scout troups? I knew every tree, plant, how to grow every tree, plant...raise animals, what to eat and not to eat if lost in the forest, how to identify each stone found along the beaches and in the woods....all of it from those two. I also learned what love really was from Grandpa Carl and Grandma Joyce....But that is another story. One that I cannot detail now.....

Educated in a religious private school....That was hell. I am not going to hell when I die....I was already there. For 13 years. Ok - It really wasn't that bad....I was allowed to focus on my artistic education at a young age. I was the school photographer who began training at 14 years old with Ella, a National Geographics photographer and scuba queen. I was accepted on a full scholarship to one of the lead art schools in the nation when I graduated at 17 years old. I began studying Shakespearean literature at 14 years old. I was a volleyball player, singer in the school choir for 12 years, learned and played guitar and piano, and studied not only the Bible but many other religious text such as the Apocrypha, Koran, Torah, Sutras... - All of which got me into much trouble at school....But I felt a need to know the answers to the "Why's" of life...Mostly after I was violently raped as young girl. Why would that be allowed to happen to me? I was a quiet child, a loving child, a shy little girl, not the leader before that, not miss popular of my grade school.....But that tragic event scarred me in a way that left me numb for many years....That hours and hours of counseling would never undo. I changed who I was...I consumed every moment of my life into changing me after that....I would not let a man overpower me again (funny...really funny...tragically wrong)....I would be bold and I would fill all waking hours with ways to block out the need to be...with a man. That is why my first love Eric, worked so well and lasted for so many years.....He was so far away....most of the time. I could keep him in an ideal place, on a pedastal, and out of reach....And we kept our relationship open. We were young, but not stupid. There were hundreds of miles between us, most of the time. That was reality. I dated many during my youth: My bestfriends (brothers and still my friends), a British race car driver, a drummer in a jazz band, a punk-rock skater (the sweetest of all - Johnny...too bad he moved to Switzerland with his band), a hot goalie-hockey player....but not boys I went to school with....Except Clint....That is another story.....

Went to college....That is after a stint of traveling and modeling. Yes - I did the model bit for only as long as I could stand being shallow. Continued four years of ballet and was on the honor roll...That was easy. Since it was what I did best all of my life: Study and create all forms of art. Drama, Painting, Sculpting, Writing, Drawing, Photography....And during this time came some hard blows. Dad decided that his daughter should not be traveling out of state anymore - Even with a scholarship....which did not pay for living arrangements. None of my college savings could be touched unless I went to college here...Damn! And even at that...They were still taken from me....not because of anything I might have done wrong - it was during Dad's mid-life crisis freak-out bit,(which I have since forgiven him for....how could I not after all of the kid shit I put him through when I was young???) So I had to work at least two jobs to support myself through college. The one I hated the most was a local hotel. I was the front desk attendant and the accountant. No matter how nice the place was, the assholes that would come in thinking that since you are a cute, blonde, college girl that you would sleep with them - was obnoxious and so demeaning. Mostly those that just wouldn't give up....Call you from their room to request that you deliver some item that they forgot - That is housekeeping's job - and when they aren' t around....Well that is when I would send Chuck to make the delivery and a message to the creeps. Business is business. I was a business woman and I expected to be treated with respect. My boss was mad that I couldn't just smile and take this shit as "compliments"....That is when I gave him the "bird"....Found myself a new line of work - My own business. Art. Small minded chauvinist creeps...Trying to keep women down.....Another interesting story in detail, another time.....

Had an art shoppe of my own for a brief moment....I loved it. Met some wonderful people back then: Kelly, Ben, Ed and Elizabeth. Two of them I guess I just can't get away from after all of these years. The art crowd was wonderful: Wine nights full of debates, art/fashion showings, costume parties, artist guilds, AA art fair, EL art fair, dancing.....plus other things Dad always called artsy-fartsy....But the weight of the job and the hours of dealing with "those" kind of people did it for me. Shattered my taste for the arts - seeing those who really didn't appreciate it, but bought it only to impress their friends. Changed career paths when I became artistically challenged from dealing with bored house-wives who carried around their rich husbands' pocket books - blowing money on trinkets and for me to design their living rooms feng-shu with $$$$ in junk-clutter....Left a sour taste in my mouth. So what to do? I am brilliant and can pick up just about anything and slide...Just slide. With a little studying and a few more college courses...I became an IT expert in building databases and web work (WooHoo Spider Girl is here!)

During the college years and into the Art shoppe years, I met Paul. Chemistry/Physics major. We dated for years...And finally moved in with eachother. There were no intentions of ever getting married. I had promised myself if I was ever to get married it would be to my equal, for love....and way after I was 30. I had too much to accomplish and do and travel to be a wife and mother too young. Dad and Mom had kept me traveling so much as a kid, I just couldn't see myself being able to settle down long enough to be a mom. I had no intention of really ever doing that. I liked room service way too much - and kids can't survive on sushi and wine and single serving coffee....Couldn't fathom it. Me??? No. I loved to hike, I loved to camp, I loved to fly the sky, I loved long continental train journeys, I loved to stay at unique to ritzy digs, I love adventure....Plus I knew Paul just really didn't love me...He fucked around on me too many times over the years. How many times can you tell a woman that you don't love her, and still have her stick around with a single "Sorry"? One to ponder - Don't ask me, though. I left him once after I found out that he was seeing his old girlfriend again..."Babe it is just for fun"....Whatever! I bought the first ticket to San Diego and left his ass and this State far behind.....But------- His pleas and begging eventually brought me back. He apologized. I am a sucker for an apology out of a man....because most can't do it - and if they are able to utter a sorry - - they rarely can look you in the eye and honestly do so. I have no problem saying this, even if it sounds sexist. I am a woman and I have no problem saying that I am sorry when I need to and when I should. Well, Paul always could - Even though he is the master of lying and I knew it even then....I took it and ran with it....All the way to the minister. See - Sucker. And I did what I swore I would never do as a young battered, bruised, bloodied, raped girl - I let a man hold me down....violently....and hit me...and push me....and wish me dead...and let those feelings of weakness overcome me again....Yet another story there.....

And I look back and see an endless cycle....

I hope that it isn't. I believe what Grandma Joyce always said that everything happens for a reason. I guess there are a few lessons in life for me to still learn that I didn't before....

I think it may be about love. I need to overcome several things. Is it that I need to act on more of my romantic ideals and ideas instead of bottling them up - or - has all of this been done to proove to me that women were taken out of men....to be alone themselves? I had hopes....that Paul would clean up his ways, himself and try to be the man that I first met so many years ago before he strayed....I don't wish that any longer or have wished that in many years - just want to be done with him. I had hopes that I would find Eric again and that all of it had been a lie and we would fall hopelessly in love again - and in away I did receive a little of that wish, which will satisify me enough and him....At least he is still there and still my friend which is more than we had from each other the last decade or so. Late at night I awake from dreams that Clint had never died and that we were still together and what had happened with Paul was all a bad dream....That is all to that one. I had hope that Carl would fall madly and passionately in love with me and agree to something that we could both compromise on - live apart with our own families, never to marry again, and be with each other maybe every other week - because I like being with me and my daughter most in life now....But he never really opened up to me and ran silently away to not be heard from again - and I am lost without him and even his words - even if they were all lies....because he made me feel love again - that deep down pit of your soul - fuzzy kind of feeling I was hoping to feel again and have returned to me from him, but it wasn't. I hoped when Ben and I clicked so well and started to hang out that it would turn into that kind of love.....

I just would like a few hugs here and there....many sweet words to be whispered in my ear....a lot of love now and then....and a kiss right there (be it the lips, the neck, my hand, my toes)....or just be able to breathe the scent of a majestic man I would stand behind....only if he asked me to...

I think I will wait for that special "him" to come to me. I will not search. Be it a wild western cowboy, an artist, a tycoon, a beach-bum....I don't care - as long as he can honestly love me....Just as Bridget Jones said: He loves me just the way I am. For me that is: With all of my sappy ways, my forever wobbly bits no matter how many hours I run, and all of my every day womanly faults. I will wait to hear those special things or receive those special touches....when that special person comes along and realizes who I am....and all that I have to give....just by being me.

P.S. I like Oldies but Goodies thingies - They are inspiring and keep the hope alive.