I Can Be So Overly Girly

Here I am, wide awake at 3:30am this morning. I was dreaming a very pleasant dream...and then my body decided to wake up, three hours into sleep. I can't wake up the neighbors with working out and I am still too tired to read (A Farewell to Arms, again)...So I will write about what is on my mind.

I am becoming bolder, but there are somethings that I am just not brave enough to say aloud. And here I sit blogging them, again.

No evasive poetry or obscure references. I know that a little devil will lead him to read this blog again out of curiosity....even though we all know that curiosity killed the cat. So what the hell? Right. I am opposed to saying this directly because I know I will not get an answer. In chance I do, it will be beating around the bush...And maybe I am a little reserved because I am afraid of the answers. I am afraid of loosing his friendship. This is a friendship in which I hold so dear. At least this way...He could just pretend that he doesn't know and we can carry on as if I didn't blurt out my girly feelings. (I know I said previously that I wouldn't...but I am still such a girl with way too much estrogen and fuzzy feelings to bottle this up...lol.)

I have been left to wonder for so long now about his feelings for me. I know that this is a strange relationship...Yet again - Life is stranger than fiction. Does he know that other suitors {hahaha - so Austen in my references..} have come my way? Other true gentlemen have asked to spend time with me...a movie, dinner, a drink, some dancing, or a walk through a museum. They are all polite and refined to not ask more than that or request a kiss or to hold my hand...which is a nice change. {This in no way implies that I have favored these requests or that I am about to.} All is well with this and does wonders for a girl's self esteem and self respect...and they are all just so - - fine of body and mind - - - But...But...I don't want them and I am not interested in the slightest bit.

I waiver and I wait...and in the end there is only one who truly captures my interest, my heart, and my desire. My friend does.

And I wait.

Why?

Because he has taught me patience. I like him. He makes me smile. He makes me feel. He has an interesting personality that just can't be duplicated. And I haven't stopped wishing on stars....Nope. The hopeful kid in me just won't go away. It is worth it. Maybe it is because of the upbringing that I have had, and that I really do try to live by each day. I may be a flirt to no ends, a little wild child at times and have an overly active...well we leave that to the wandering minds...I still believe that if you care for someone, you should show it. I care for him. Be it friendship or be it something more on my part; I care for him. It may be that he was the first lover in years and the first man that I have trusted in a long time.

I will be his friend and I will be what he needs, if he let's me know what that is...because he is worth it. I don't want to overstep my bounds with him, ever hurt him, or ever make him feel that I am asking anything out of him that he does not want to give. When I say unconditional, I mean it. And when I care for someone, what is important for them is important for me to respect.

And dear, I am not too kind. Every compliment I have given is absolutely true. I try to be honest in everything that I say and do. Yes, it is hard for me in matters such as this; to lay it all out there. But things happen for a reason. Through this I have realized that I do have a heart still and that I can still love. I am a woman who knows what she wants and knows when she has found someone very sweet and very special and that it is important not to let that go...again. I fell in love and I didn't expect to and I didn't think that I would and I never wanted to try to again. But I did.

And now that I let the cat out of the bag.... I think I should have kept the cat inside...

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Kathleen Kelly:


"What will NY152 say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets... of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you."

"The odd thing about this form of communication is that you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings."

From a movie junkie and still hopeless romantic...
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