Little Girl

I have to attend one of my exhusband's counseling sessions today. This is to teach him how to properly communicate with me. This should be fun... I am being facetious with the last comment. It will be more like: How much verbal abuse will he get away with in a controlled setting??? Just a way to relive the worst parts of my marriage over again....and make me feel like shit. I spent the last 6 years of that relationship being told that I was not worthy of any man and how he couldn't bear to be with someone as hideous and disgusting as myself...to only get divorced and find myself having to hear it still when, of all things, he can't win me back or get his way.


No matter how much I tell myself that he was and is wrong; that he is just a cruel person...I still wonder after every time he tells me. Still. After almost 2 years of being apart. There is still a part of me that believes when I look in the mirror and when I lay in bed at night...unable to sleep. I am afraid after being with him...I will never be normal. He messed me up, not only physically, but my heart and soul too.


And here I am - 2 hours away from having to go to his appointment...and I want to run away. And I already feel like shit. My heart is racing and I feel my confidence begin to waiver again.

That scared little girl in me is beginning to peak out...

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The scared little girl has come out...

and the feelings came back. The feelings of fear and a shattered heart. I thought that I got away from him and his torment so long ago and yet here I am tonight. I have to go back to do yet another session...that is if he shows up - for him...so that he can be a good father for my daughter. He laughed at the suggestion of carrying on the counseling - what dedication. I have to sit there and listen to his "feelings" about me and hear the mean and cruel things that he says - - And it doesn't matter that the counselor is there telling him not "throw matches" or giving him the "effective communtication" lectures...His words are still cruel...


I divorced him to get away from him - not to spend more time with him than what I did when we were married. Not to keep listening to him and his berating and admitted (right there in the meeting) cruel ways...And yes!! He even had to call me afterward to carry on. But what is new?

I just can't take anymore of this...

I keep asking myself...What did I do so horribly wrong in my life to deserve this shit??

It is just never ending.

And here I sit crying again.