This last year has been just crazy. Just absolutely jammed packed. How have I dealt? Unlike my blogs would have you believe, I shove the bad way off....dance off the sadness....exercise off the stress....cook and treat friends to lighten the spirits and spread some love....I paint and I write. Once I write something out on here....it is like a form of therapy. Kind of like what my old art and english lit profs taught me.....Either use writing to absorb something more or use it to understand an issue so that you can move on to the next subject. I use this as the latter.
So....in retrospect....what have I learned? What I already have known....trust only me, myself and I. Love thyself first and most. Do what is best for yourself. And....Yeh.....you can guess.....listen to a little Bad Romance - - - Taken right from my lips. je veux un mauvais romance....je veux tons amour.....
The year began as it ended with me in the midst of a bad divorce, that I had been wading through for a year. I had been without a "husband" as a companion, friend and lover for a year prior to that. I had been alone with only my daughter in my life and as my focus....trying to rebuild the life that had been taken from me. My ex-husband had forced me and his child out of our home, after physically and emotionally abusing me....Only to stalk me and harrass me and threaten me. I began to aquaint myself with friends and family whom he had kept me from for so long....What a wonderful start to the year to be surrounded by loving friends and family again!
My career was giving me new and welcomed challenges. I was getting ahead and making a new name for myself...excelling in what I love doing. The rewards for the long hours had begin to pay off in the new year.
With a new residency, new career goals, light at the end of the tunnel in finalizing my divorce, a body that was becoming more fit everyday, having time to spend with my daughter which wasn't consumed by commutes - her father berating and pushing me around - stress.....was a good way to start. Time to focus on me and what I was missing....or thought I was missing out on...
So on advice of a few girlfriends, I asked Mike out on a date....Flirting for months -why not? He failed to follow through, though. Why? Little did I know....he was married.
Step back a re-evaluate....Oops! Goodness! I hadn't dated anyone in over 15 years!!! I was treading water that I was not familiar with....I had to be shoved in by my girlfriends. They introduced me to the internet. And on my first try I got hooked by a guy named Colin....or so he said he was...
After we met one time....he kept setting up other dates/meetings....but kept cancelling. Had no problem texting, chatting with me, emailing me....almost every day. Then it came out that he wasn't fully divorced and that it just was finalized and....yada yada yada - - I was too sweet and he didn't want to hurt me and he runs away when things are going good and....then kept tagging me along - - and always a no show....at the last minute! Come on! Not only am I a single mom with a career to work around....but that fucking hurts. So I sent him a dear John email saying that I couldn't have this anymore - - it wasn't healthy for me. This was my first out of a 15+ year relationship.....
Then Alex popped up. He was so smart, and a beautiful bodybuilder (10 years my junior) and we had so many things in common....except religion. We said that it wouldn't get in the way...And it didn't for me. It did for him. It was ok to see me in the privacy of the home or not where we wouldn't bump into others....but he couldn't have me around his family and islamic friends. He treated me like a princess and always was kind and gentle and let me know I was a beautiful goddess...but it could not go anywhere....because of his religion and not being able to take me around his family and friends. I couldn't live like that....
Take a break and take a breather....he didn't want to let me go and begged for me to stay. But I wasn't going to be hidden away....the secret woman - as bad as dating a married man.
Then I bumped into JB....Tall, dark, handsome, wild man. He was as much of a kid at heart as me. The sex was awesome....The conversations were fabulous....The time together was amazing..... that is....until he shoved me and yelled at me.....for hugging him in the morning.... That is when the violent, mean, nasty streak in him came out and I told him to Fuck Off and get out of my life.
I was heading up north and I drove by his exit during the mean nasty spell....I texted Colin a message. He replied back kindness and understanding.....And so I began that again.
During this time my ex-husband was flip-flopping like crazy...one moment working things out to get our divorce resolved and agreeing to do his anger management counseling. My divorce was finalized....finally! I moved to a much nicer and larger residence - a real home with nice neighbors. My daughter was so happy to have a place that reminded her of "home". We have our artist room again....a computer/work den again....a dining area again...walk in closets again....I have room for my work-out center and dual gym equipment....space to breathe and create. And then my career started to put me on the road - a lot.
My girlfriends started to get concerned that I was in contact with Colin again. They love me and were concerned that he was taking advantage of my trusting self, ditching me too much and they said something wasn't right with his story....so a little research on him ensued. I got hit with a shocker - he wasn't Colin and he wasn't the commercial real estate guy and he hadn't recently moved back from Texas or Chicago and they said he was still married. WTF?!!!! What they had was this: He has lived in Michigan for about 20 years, even had an op in the Lansing area way back then as well (Oh! Did that turn on a light bulb from my college years and working at a local hotel....), he was still married, his name was Carl and he was the president of a certain business.
Life is stranger than fiction....And blondes can be dumber than they are racked up to be....Even after I found this out - I still kept it up with him....Even when he couldn't be more than a part-time lover....which ended up to be Never.
(And let me tell you....I have never been "white-trash" as C** referred Lansing girls ("Lansing girls are all either white trash, strippers or prostitutes".....Oh fucking really???) as being - that's why I never slept with business men that asked me to when I was working frontdesk at a hotel to pay my way through college....even those that begged and pleaded and told me their sad sob stories of how their relationships with their wives had gone sour and that they felt no love and traveling so much had caused such a rift....yada yada yada...I came from a white collar home that had morals. My grandfather was the founder of our church and a leader in our community as well as a leader of the local Red Cross. My father has been a leader in every community he has been a part of and a respected man. I was educated in a private school and I have a college degree. I am a career woman, I am respected by my friends, coworkers and family. I am a mother first and foremost. No matter what, I never cheated on my husband and up until the last hit from him I gave him respect as a human, a man and my husband. And I am damn hot for being in my late 30's - - - Even hotter than most 20 year olds - - coming from a group of 20-something college girls and boys.)
My girls said I needed to go out and hooked me up with Ben. Nice guy - brilliant - looks like Sam from TrueBlood (Meow!) - late 40's and lead engineer for a well known industry. We dated. Hell, if I wasn't good enough for Mr. High Society - fuck it! Well....Ben couldn't keep his hands off me - - He said I was the most sensual woman and he loved how soft my skin was and that I was beautiful and so smart. Didn't mind that at all...we liked to hike together, go to bookstores, try all the different foods (and he liked sushi!!), talk politics, wander craft/art shows....And kids -
He is the best............The best thing that has ever happened to me.
Ever.
So Carl just up and stopped talking to me and I am glad before he stopped that he shared his travel itinerary so I can avoid any contact - I have to turn down use of my friend Kevin's condo on Kitts because low and behold He will be there for that week - I will wait until February or March - after my stay on Marathon....
But that is ok. Why?
Because I found Garth Brooks....And a good looking guy with a wonderful country song never worked so well for me before.
So here it is....Christmas and New Years.
I am willing to be alone through the holidays. Clean the soul and the mind....Plus, My ex-husband finally listened to me about his priorities and his greed. I laid it out flat to him: Your daughter comes first and this is your Christmas Eve with her....You have enough money in your pocket to support a family of 12 comfortably - So do what is right! Take the time off and spend it with your daughter who doesn't think that dad will really spend any of Christmas with her...(And NO I did not squeak a peep on this to her - I was determined to get him to see her and would not give up until he did so....) So that is worth spending this yesterday, today and this evrening alone....knowing that my daughter is being doted on by her daddy.
And I can't wait for what 2010 has in store for me.
I am excited to find out.....
Really, I am!
See blog-therapy.
;)
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