Lately my blogs have been a little....blah...a little sad. A lot of thinking about things past and present. It doesn't help that I am so frustrated with my health right now.......and the tests, migraines, seizures, and all of that.... are imparing me more and more...it is just.....so......Ugggghhhh!!! I whine here because I don't want anyone to know the scope. Mom has the basics and knows a bit (being a former nurse, can't fool her)....but no one else....All my supervisors know is that I have doctors appointments. I don't need fucking pity from anyone...never have and never will. Case fucking closed. The tension from the last leg of my work project and the travel and finding suitable arrangements for child care (after an absent nanny deal) has left me a little frazzled. And then the ever so silly me starts to fall in love with Carl....Or should I say infatuated with his devilish good looks, charmed by his words, mesmerized by his voice and his mysterious being....only to be fooled. And I still can't get him out of my head or heart. And yes my heart aches every time I think that I will never hear from him again. I should not have wrote the sappy words that I did on here and that silly poem. I really didn't think that he was still bothering with reading my dribble out here, until he told me he had read it recently. It was foolish and childish of me to carry on knowing full well that he would never feel the same and it opened up my heart to be exposed. I swore I wouldn't do that again - let on to him that I would hope for something more and I did. How many times did he say he was done with women and romance...How many times did he say that I had the choice of men....I told him that he is what I wanted and he did not beg to differ...How could he have not known that I had feelings?? How could he tell me that he wasn't fucking with me...but...but...Now I went and lost him....No, I never had him or else things would be different....I was just a toy or game to him. That is why he wouldn't fess up his real identity = easy in and easy out - - Right? Good God! And I am still feeling...Damn! I asked him how he he saw me as a women....and I received nothing. Nothing means nothing or if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all. Damn! How could I have wasted another 1/2 a year of my life on a man who never cared about me - - I had already wasted almost two decades with a man who didn't love me...When he talked of those type of people that fall in love so quickly - - love at first site kinda thing - - I should have had the balls to tell him that I am one of those romantic saps and by that time I was head over heals for him...I would have at least known then - he could have shut me out a long time ago if I had been honest with him about what I was feeling. What I still feel and I am trying not to..every moment...and the words here previously are just that - words from a girl who got hurt...sometimes you say mean things when you are hurt....I don't - I just write them...Live and learn I guess. Then there are the motherly challenges. I am trying to do all that I can each and every day to make my daughter's life as wonderful as it can be.....I want to be a good role model for her....A strong woman, a loving woman....the best mother I can be.....the best woman I can be - For her. I know that sometimes, being as close as we are she senses the struggle in me...and it is difficult for me to cover some of my sadness. I have to keep up appearances for her 24/7...not let her see the turmoil that captures my heart sometimes....So late at night when the headaches burn...the tension is released with a little yoga.
Now today is a new day. I slept through the night. My dear friend Mrs. D is back in here....And I am so happy to have her around again. I am so happy that she is alive and well and smiley and....Oh just here!!! Heading out to lunch with K - his treat to celebrate the project. He is as much of a smart ass as me...but a nice guy. Business driven and a great partner in this project. Ahhh!!! And another happy note...Job almost finished. One day and counting! Then it will be only for the bi-monthly consortium meetings. Don't get me wrong...wonderful individuals to work with....this just means that the project is right on where it should be....again - - - Ahhhhh! Also on another bit, Paul has called and agreed to not only to come to Isabel's birthday party (hasn't in 2 years) but also to come help set up....I think his counseling is working. Well, we will see if he shows up - God only knows I have a problem in that area...men making plans and then never showing up.
But then....I said I like surprises and....I had a visit last night that was a surprise and the most beautiful christmas present was given to me. Very sweet - I love amber, diamonds, silver, sapphires, onyx and white gold....But that is all material unless you factor in.....
And I am left speechless.....and appreciated.....and adored.....and respected.....as a woman.....
And....
And....
speechless....
mostly in written word.....
ever so in written word.....because I am human
And a surprise smile, a hug and softly spoken words convey more than anything that could be written here.....
Except ~ Yes it is true: Women want to be loved and Men want to be respected....And in the end if we love and respect each other....
Well....You take a guess :)
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