so here I am again.

back to the blog.

may post my two pieces here, since I can't afford a publishing deal and I think I may want to put a twist on free internet access to literature.......poor literature, but entertaining.......

already have one of my pieces published in sweet pressed paper (a children's book - not the greatest done....cute story.....mainly just for my daughter).


started writing instead of painting last night. was working on the bad romance story line, since I haven't touched it in months. i was proof reading the last pages that I got out before 2am and then gave up. it is good.....the writing style is unique and the story I think is interesting.......BUT good-god! i thought about it for a moment......mostly written based on my biographical love experiences and.........it is worse than a season of Sex in the City. i think that I may be accused of plagiarism in some parts! Yep......that part mostly. i guess I will just have to include my favorite Wilde quote: life imitates art, and my cousin and my favorite: life is stranger than fiction, in the pretext....... i would never wear a dead blue bird on my head, though......ever. and the next time, I am flying to vegas.....have to see it sometime - right? a woman near 40 cannot wear white.....no matter if Vogue allows it - I say it just isn't the thing.

Yep........Carl is my mix of Mr. Big and Eric combined. I am Carrie, forever waiting for the man who brightens her world and no other compares to............And left feeling like myself 20 years ago with the Anne - Eric situation - The BFF - lover - long distance thingie - where is this ever leading to - person. Leaves me feeling 2nd best and never good enough to be "Thee One". Guess it is something that I am use to - the nice girl who is there to always clean up the pieces...........but never has the hero to rescue her as she starts to drown in life's challenges and heartaches.

i think this is going to end up being a tragedy. the story? or my life?

both.

it hurt to read what Carl wrote about holding Kendra....running to her rescue. did he think that telling me that wouldn't stick a knife in my heart, knowing that is what I have longed for.....just to have him in my life and in my arms. that only night, the most awesome part of being with him was when we laid there in bed together and we talked small talk and he held me and just gently carressed me in such a sweet way........it was what I had been longing for, for so long. a gentle touch, in a loving manner, just to feel desired and appreciated. it wasn't the sex, it was him and his personality and that inner spark that has always shone that did it. and to see him offer it up to a woman so similar to me, but a woman not willing to give him what he needs and treats him as an "option" and not as the love of her life. I have never gotten over him.....and I never will. I care about him and always wished that things were different. he has kept me at arms length or further, but is still there and says he cares and.......

i have nothing to offer him.......mostly now.

i won't have him......he won't be my knight in shining armor......i can pretend, when he calls - but I am here alone and he is always in someone else's arms. always alone at the end of the day - no man sticks around for me. can't continue to fool myself and I need to pull away before this hurts me anymore than it has for the last year. it is better to be totally alone than have the illusion of something that never will be and have someone fake that they need or want you in their lives..........