My heart is aching this morning and I couldn't sleep well all night. Since Christmas I have been feeling this gnawing sense of anxiety in my stomach...
...The photos that I have put up from a couple Christmas parties 2 weeks ago, well that was the last time any of us heard from my sister. She looked horrible when I saw her; wasting away. 5'8" and just under 100lbs and dropping. It is more than the fitness competion. This is not fitness at all. I told her that she looked like a junkie...............It is more than the arthritis that is showing in her face and hands......there was something more (or less) etched into the lines of her face making her look like my much older sister. Family and friends kept pulling me aside asking if everything was ok with my Sis. Emails and calls later to mom and me, too. I told Sis that I knew something else was up and have for a while....I could feel it....just like she does with me. We have always been more sensitive to others like that since we were little kids, and mostly with eachother and our own kids. What is up?
........I had a feeling that something had crept back up, but she denies it......No calls on Christmas or even from my nephews.....
...Last night I came home and went to my bedroom and cried....that is when the phone rang. Mom was crying on the other end. Sis had called her and asked her to call me; I think she is afraid to herself. My Sis has been in the hospital since last Monday. She has not been allowed to make calls until now. We haven't heard from her husband because......her husband........well he is at the point of.....hating her right now. He is the one who dropped her off at the "hospital" doors. Do you understand? Do you have an idea what her illness is....if you are one of those, who unlike me, might think this is an illness and not just a person being irresponsible, selfish and just fucking stupid.....
...Again....But this time she is older, wiser and it is worse! It has been killing her and she has let it get so out of hand it is destroying what she is lucky to have! Two beautiful children; she is beautiful and talented and educated and athletic; a fabulous, wonderful man for a husband; a lovely home; lots of travel; a wonderful marriage she is willing to shatter for.......! Fool!
...Would she have gone if she didn't get caught buying by her husband and have her husband drop her ass off at the hospital door? Will she actually stay away from all of it? I knew she had started up again........she had the look that she did a decade ago.
...She is due to call me this morning. I am venting so that all she hears is the love, compassion, and understanding that I have for her in my voice when she calls....It is important for her to know that I am on her side and only want the best for my little Sis.
...Even though I want to kick her in her scrawny ass...But that is the big sister in me. Protective and caring......but so pissed that she did this to herself, when she has so much that others would give their left arm for....and so much to loose!
...waiting...
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